Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"That Girl"

I think I have officially become "that girl."  "That girl" means that I am now the one who people are afraid to tell that they are pregnant because they don't want to upset me.  Example 1:  A close friend from college (we pledged our sorority together) found out she was pregnant.  She emailed me on facebook privately to tell me the news long before it came out on facebook.  She wanted me to hear it from her and not from some random post.  She's due in January with a little girl.  Example 2:  My grade level partner's wife is pregnant with baby 2.  Two weeks ago when we first started back at school he said that they were having difficulties with trying.  I would have kept believing that until he told me today that they were expecting.  She is due in April- meaning he probably knew before we came back to school but he didn't want to say anything to get me upset. 

I am not as happy as I used to be when I found out someone was expecting.  I can't be.  It is impossible to enjoy and be happy about something that has become such a struggle for me.  I feel jealous, angry, bitter and sorry for feeling those 3 emotions all at the same time.  I would never wish the journey that Matt and I are taking on anyone but it doesn't make it any easier to hear the joys that other couples are having.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Infertility video

I wanted to share this video as it expresses what can be so difficult to say about trying to conceive and infertility.


Our TTC journey...so far

When Matt and I decided that we wanted to try and conceive a child, we didn't think much of it or how complicated it could be.  This was back in December of 2008.  I was told that because I was only 26 we should have no problems trying to conceive and to visit my OB if a year had passed and we weren't pregnant.  For some reason I was feelng that something wasn't right.  It seemed like after a few months of trying we should have been pregnant and that everyone around us was pregnant.  We tried every old wives tale and approach we could find- ovulation tests, vitamins and herbs, sitting with a pillow under me for a while after sex.  I was even taking my temperature every morning to use with charting.  Still months had passed and we weren't pregnant.

Finally in September of 2009 I decided to see my OB after noticing that I was spotting before my period.  She ordered bloodwork as well as a hydrosonogram and biopsy.  Luckily everything looked normal on the tests except for low progesterone. So in November 2009 I began my first round of clomid.  We were told at that time to have Matt get a sperm sample checked out as well.  When he got his first sample analyzed, something wasn't right.  Matt called me and said the numbers were very low and he had to repeat it.  So he repeated it again- same problem.  At this point it was close to the holidays.  My OB said that if this round of clomid was unsuccessful, we should see a fertility specialist. 

After our third failed round of clomid, we began treatment with our current doctor, Dr. S.  This began in January 2010.  Of course with a new doctor came new tests.  I had a HSG and another biopsy as well as a ton more blood work.  The HSG and biopsy were quite painful but it was worth it if it resulted in a baby.  After all the tests, we began our new directions for TTC- femara with an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Basically an IUI is where they take Matt's sperm and "turkey baste" me with it.  Life became quite abnormal at that point.  I would take meds for 5 days, as well as a steroid, and have internal ultrasounds to know when I was close to ovulating.  These ultrasounds were incredibly uncomfortable at first but have since become normal.  Once I was told ovulation was near, we would have our IUI and wait. 

The waiting game is one of the hardest parts of TTC.  It became harder each time to get my period.  We still weren't pregnant and Matt's count was still and issue.  We visited a urologist and found nothing physically wrong with him- thank God.  He was then prescribed clomid which he is still taking at this time.  We eventually added in an Ovidrel shot in the Spring of 2010 to help with timing even more.

Finally in July 2010 we were called back in to meet with Dr. S to discuss options because we still weren't pregnant.  He suggested we start using injections.  So in mid-July we began our first cycle with shots using a med called Bravelle along with the Ovidrel.  An injection cycle isn't a normal cycle.  It involves much more time and much more emotions then I ever thought.  But it would be worth it to be pregnant.  It started  on day 3.  That was my first ultrasound and first blood work of the cycle.  After that you wait to hear your injection directions and give yourself the shot at night.  Every few days you go in for blood work and ultrasounds. Within a week I had blood drawn 5 times, 4 ultrasounds and 7 shots.  It was like being pin cushion.  I had bruises on both arms and on my belly (from the shots).  Finally we had our IUI and I was super hopeful.  Until the spotting started 10 days later.  I knew it was a fail.  All of the time, energy and emotions resulted in nothing.  I was completely crushed and cried for a day.  How could this be so difficult for us when it is not a problem at all for others to get pregnant???

It is now almost September 2010- 21 months into this journey.  We are currently taking a month off from TTC.  In a couple weeks it will all start over again- hopefully with different results.  I've been going to a support group offered by my doctor's office for 3 months to try and help me deal with this journey.  I take the words spoken to us to heart each day- Matt and I will have our family in some way and in some time.