Friday, December 31, 2010


I've never really seen the big deal in celebrating the new year.  However I will be happy to see this year end. 

2010 will not be missed at all in my mind.  Although there was some good days, it will be mostly be remembered as my year of fertility treatments and failures with it.  I know it is depressing to say that but it's the truth.  Those are the defining moments of this year.  Meds, ultrasounds, injections, IUIs, hope, let downs all describe this past year.  I am ready to put those moments behind me and hopefully start new in 2011. 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

3 Years

Happy Anniversary to my husband, Matt!!

Three years ago we were married at St. Gregory the Great Church in Williamsville and celebrated our reception at Sean Patrick's Restaurant.  I can honestly say that the day was perfect and amazing in every way.  It was great to celebrate with such wonderful friends and family.  We spent the next week on our honeymoon in Walt Disney World in Florida.   I love him more and more each day.  I am a lucky girl to have found such an amazing man.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


The holidays are tough when dealing with infertility.  It has now been 3 Christmases since we started trying to get pregnant.  That became completely obvious last night when I was at my parents' house for dinner and tree decorating.  Each year my mom and dad get a Christmas ornament for myself, my sister and our families.  Her family includes her husband and her 2 kids.  Mine is my wonderful husband who I adore.  But it was very depressing seeing all her ornaments for her kids and nothing new for Matt and I.  My dog Lucky has been the big thing for me to get ornaments for the past 2 years.  It made me extremely sad to realize this.  The realization that my sister has also had 9 months of a pregnancy and almost a one year old son in the time we've been trying also hurts too.  I just need to try and stay strong through the holidays.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My furry friend

A local radio station is doing a campaign for our local SPCA.  The DJ asked listeners to think just what their pet means to them.  It got me thinking about my little Lucky.

I fell in love with Lucky at first sight.  It was January 2005 and I had moved to Las Vegas to pursue my teaching career that past summer after graduating college.  I was living by myself and pretty much on my own.  One evening I went to one of the local malls and stopped into the pet shop.  There was a little tiny Westie there.  She was born November 9, 2004 and just ready to go home.  I had to pick her up and hold her.  Once she snuggled up with me, I knew that she had chosen me to go home with.

Lucky is the most loving dog I know.  She is playful and fun.  She can make you laugh and make a rough day so much better.  She can sense when something is wrong and just sit with your to make things better.  I am grateful for having her in my life.  She is a part of our family and will be for the rest of our lives.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Dealing with infertility

Infertility is a challenge in itself.  It is emotionally and physically draining.  Each month you go through various stages of a waiting game.  You wait for your period to come and go.  You take meds, get ultrasounds and wait to ovulate.  You wait for your IUI.  You wait two weeks to see if it was successful or not.  Then you repeat the cycle again.  If it is a negative (which is all I've ever had), it's as if a loved one died.  You feel empty and hopeless.  You cry and wonder why this is all happening.  You look for support but it is hard to find. 

People who haven't struggled with infertility don't get it.  They say things that they think are comforting but it isn't.  I don't want to hear that I need to take a break from trying and then it will work because that happened for someone they knew.  I don't want to hear complaining because it took you a few months to get pregnant (sometimes pregnant again).  It's now been 2 years for me.  I don't really want to gawk and stare at your countless ultrasounds or pregnancy photos (I wish they didn't always show up on Facebook).  Please don't tell me that I am lucky to not have morning sickness or 3 am feedsings.  I would die to have that. 

Infertility is a medical issue.  I didn't choose to have it.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Break

So CD 1 would have been Wednesday, December 1.  It still is that date.  But there are no drugs involved in things right now.  It's actually kind of nice to not have to obsess about going to the doctor's office, calling the directions phone number and doing shots each night.  Nothing controls my time- just me.  I picked up a book called "The A.R.T. of Making Babies" which is all about IVF.  The least I could do is spend this time learning about what might be happening in the future.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It's Christmas time!

Our Christmas lights on the house...and the first snow fall

Christmas Tree


SNOW DAY!!  Probably the 2 best words I could have heard this morning!!

2 years

Two years ago Matt and I decided to take the leap and started our journey in adding a little one to our family (other than our little dog, Lucky, of course).  Two years.  In that time we have gone through so much.  A year on our own.  Numerous tests and doctor's appointments.  Five IUI's with femara/ovidrel.  Four IUI's with bravelle injections.  Many friends getting pregnant and having their babies- some even pregnant again.  Too many broken hearts to even count anymore.  We are done with IUI's now.  We are going to take some time away from the meds and try to figure things out.  Maybe we'll have a miracle in that time.  If not, we are hoping to pursue IVF. 

When we started this journey 2 years ago, neither of us ever expected how hard it would be.  Infertility wasn't in my vocabulary or my brain.  Now it consumes my thoughts and life.  Despite all the heartbreak, I think our marriage has become stronger.  Not all couples could survive this I think.  I eats away at you.  It gives you a roller coaster of emotions from the disappointment of a negative to the optimism following an IUI. 

I hope one day we'll be able to look back at this journey (with our child) and know that it was all worth it.