Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Schedule and Protocol

I spoke to one of the nurses at the RE office this afternoon and set up my IVF schedule.  So here it is:

5/29 until 7/2- Active Birth Control Pills
6/22- Injection teaching appointment
6/27- start Lupron injections (following long Lupron protocol)
7/9- begin stims (Menopur and Follistim)
Week of 7/18- Retrieval and Transfer; all eggs will go through ICSI\

So my job right now is to just worry about the birth control.  I am so glad that almost all of the appointments will be once I am on summer vacation from school.  I think that will help so much to not have that stress! I also need to get ahold of my insurance company to check about prior-authorization and drug coverage.

Friday, May 27, 2011

CD1...let the games begin

I got my period today...yay!  This means it is finally time to start our IVF cycle.  I did my blood work this afternoon.  I tried calling the office but they were closed for the day so I will have to call tomorrow.  I know I start the birth control pills on day 3, Sunday.  After that, it is all new to me.  I think the next step is going in for my injectable class, scheduling and getting the meds filled.  I am, as crazy as it sounds, excited about moving forward!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Lupron Shortage?!?!

Tonight, at my support group, I was made aware of the lupron shortage!  This is news to me!  I should be starting my birth control for IVF by the end of this week.  The plan was to use the lupron protocol.  Has anyone else had experience with this?  Where have you been able to find the lupron?  Ahhhh!!  I don't like the thought of this screwing up an IVF cycle!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Week 3 Completed

Today I finished week 3 of the Couch to 5k running program.  This week was much more of a challenge- both with the running and the weather (rain everyday- seriously).  This week consisted of a 5 minute warm up, 90 second run, 90 second walk, 3 minute run, 3 minute walk (repeat those 4 parts) and a 5 minute cool down for a total of 28 minutes.  Today I went for 2.25 miles with a 14:06 mile- which is definitely an accomplishment for me!  Bring on week 4!!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

At the edge

Today I went out to a local high school for a training on their ropes course.  We are taking our 6th grade class there at the end of June.  The facilitator kept telling us to push ourselves to the edge and not to be afraid to take a step further.  I feel like I did that and look forward to taking the kids there in a month.  At the end the facilitator asked us what we would remember most about the day and who we would share that moment with in a post card.  When I shared mine, I started tearing up.  Without going into much detail, I explained that it felt good to accomplish something and push myself past the edge of my comfort zone. 

It made me think of our infertility struggles.  Each step in this journey has forced us to take a step outside of our comfort zones- past the edge.  First it was admitting that there was a problem.  Then it was seeing the RE and moving onto IUIs.  Then it was moving onto injectables.  Now the edge is IVF.  I should be starting my birth control (for real this time) by the end of this week.  It's time to take that leap of faith, trust in those around me (docs, family, friends) and go past that edge.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Week 2 Completed

As mentioned in previous posts, I'm working on completing the Couch to 5k running program.  I completed week two yesterday.  This week consisted of a 5 minute warm up, 90 seconds/2 minutes run/walk for 20 minutes and then a 5 minute cool down.  I brought my mile time down this week!  Yay!  It feels great to be accomplishing something!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Big Giveaway

Last night I met up with some of the ladies from our support group.  We've been together for about 6 months now and I consider them to be some of the most important women in my life.  Anyways, while out to dinner, someone made a comment that maybe we should get Ellen or Oprah on board to do give aways to infertile ladies.  They do wonderful giveaways for pregnant women, so why not us?  Why not  give away an IVF cycle...or even better- everyone in the crowd gets a baby!  I couldn't stop laughing with this one!  But seriously, wouldn't it be nice to get some of the big talk shows involved with infertility awareness?  So maybe I should send a letter to Oprah or Ellen that says the following:

Dear Oprah and Ellen,
I am a fan of your show and have been for a while now.  I've noticed that you have had many wonderful giveaways, especially with your Favorite Things (Oprah).  I'm not asking for a car or money- I don't want to be greedy.  Electronics and houses aren't for me either.  My request is quite simple.  Please send free fertility meds, IVF cycles or babies to us infertile women.  We deserve something nice- just like those expectant mothers that come to your mother's day show (Ellen).  I have some friends I would like to bring along too.  I imagine that we could give your audience with women having the same request!  Thanks in advance!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Mom Wannabe

Mother's Day is an important day (and I love my mom dearly) but it is a heartbreaking day when dealing with infertility.  Two years ago my sister announced her 2nd pregnancy on Mother's Day.  My nephew is now just about a year and a half old.  We had only been trying about 5 months at the time when she got pregnant...but it's amazing how much time has passed since then.  At that point I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed we would have gone through so much and still not have a child.  A year ago I was so sure that the IUI's would be our answer and yet here were are moving onto IVF.  So here I am, on our 3rd Mother's Day while trying to conceive, trying to hold it together.  Maybe I sound selfish but I don't want to go out and see all the happy Mother's Day celebrations.  I don't want to read all about the happy new moms on facebook.  It all makes me too sad and it makes me want to cry all day.  I can't do that. 

Last Mother's Day I saw this poem posted on another website and it stuck with me.  I wish for all these things. 

I want to be a Mother 
A Mom Wannabe 
By Alison Kathleen Whitney 

I want to be a Mom. But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe. 

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't. 

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning. 

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly. 

I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. 

I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become a Heavy Burden". 

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks, but I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms. 

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. 

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. 

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it" but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. 

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us. 

I want to be a mom, but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status... 

From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Week 1 Completed

This evening I completed my first week of the Couch to 5k program!!  I can honestly say I am pretty proud of myself.  I had to invest in a new pair of shoes tonight.  I've had my last pair of sneakers for probably 2 years and they were killing me with blisters and cutting into my left heal.  The new pair was great!  I felt so much better about running.  Today I did 2.11 miles in 31 minutes- so about 14 minutes, 38 seconds per mile.  That is with the 5 minute walk warm up, running 60 seconds and walking 90 seconds in alternation and a 5 minute cool down.  It was a little better on the time than over the weekend so I'll take that!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Couch to 5k

My goal for this break from TTC has been to get healthier.  I've lost a little over 10 pounds but I want to do more in these 2 months I have until I would be at my first retrieval.  I started using the Couch to 5k program today.  It is a 9 week program that you use 3 days a week.  Over the 9 weeks you build up the intensity of the walk/run so that by the end, you can run a 5k.  That would be a huge accomplishment for me!  I've never been a runner so why not start now?  I enjoy getting outside and walking so I figured why not push it up a notch.  This should also help with the weight loss (I haven't worked out much at all this month because of the surgery).  This morning I did week 1, day 1.  This was a 5 minute warm up, 60 second jog and 90 second run intervals and a 5 minute cool down.  I went 2.13 miles with a 15 minute mile pace.  Yeah that's not the best pace but I hope to see improvement!