Post-op...and moving forward

I had my post-op this afternoon.  The pathology on the polyp came back normal, which was expected but still good to know.  After a quick ultrasound check, Dr. H gave us the all clear to start an IVF cycle!!  Matt and I had already discussed and decided to wait until my next period to start everything so that our retrieval and transfer would be early in my summer vacation.  I should be getting my period anytime now.  So May will be a natural cycle month with no meds.  My next period should come around Memorial Day weekend.  I'll start the birth control pills from there.  I'm so relieved and happy to feel like we are almost done with the waiting.  It's been WAY too long now!  May will probably fly by with state testing and craziness at school so that should help.

Kiss my @ss infertility

Today was tough on the infertility front.  It was back to school time from spring break.  The 3 pregnant teachers (2 due in June, 1 in August) seemed to explode with belly in the week away from school.  My co-teacher's wife is due on the 30th and it's all I hear about.  Wonderful.  I'm not normally a jealous person.  Infertility has brought that trait out in me and I hate it.  I hate their enormous bellies.  I hate when they complain about being pregnant and about being fat because of it.  I can't stand looking at them or seeing them pet their belly.  It's ridiculous.  I hate that I am jealous.  To top it off, I drove down my neighborhood street to find "It's a boy" crap all over a house.  I seriously wanted to let my dog, Lucky, go pop and destroy the blue bottle balloon.  That's horrible, right? 

I don't know why I'm so bitter right now.  Most people have no idea what we're going through.  A friend recently "came out" on facebook about her infertility struggles.  It sounds liberating but I don't want the judgement that might come with it.   Although she seems to be getting a positive response and support- which sounds wonderful on the other side of it all.  I think Matt would think that I've lost my mind if I "came out" about our infertility battle. 

Over the last few days I've gotten rid of anything to do with out previous IUI cycles.  It felt great to rid myself of those constant reminders.  Here is a pic of all the shots from 4 injectable cycles.  To some that might not seem like many shots.  But each shot, each injection came with pain.  Not just the physical pain of the needle.  Emotional pain from 4 IUIs with the shots as well as 2 years of trying to get pregnant.  I had to get rid of that pain in order to move forward.  It seems silly but I feel like letting go of those parts of our infertility journey better prepares me for the IVF part of our journey.  That part will always be with me but it's time to move on.

Infertility Awareness Week

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.  When we first started to try and get pregnant, I never in my wildest dreams imagine that we would be where we are today- on the road to IVF.  The concept of having difficulties trying to get pregnant seemed ridiculous.  My sister got pregnant on her first month of trying with my niece.  Even after we had been trying for a few months, she was pregnant with number 2, my nephew, within a month or two.  So why was this taking so long for us?

A few months of trying quickly turned into a year.  We had told some friends and family that we wanted to start a family and were getting questioned as to what was taking so long.  Now here is one of those myths that was told to me over and over again- just stop trying and it'll happen.  Ha.  That didn't work either.  It's like people were implying that I was doing something to wreck my chances of getting pregnant by trying.  It amazed me how many times I was told to just go on vacation or get drunk and it will happen.  It still didn't happen.  We started talking about our struggles with fewer and fewer people because we were getting sick of being judged and hearing completely ridiculous "advice."  I use the word advice in quotes because I never asked for advice but apparently everyone had something to say. 

We were officially diagnosed with MFI after about 10 months of trying to get pregnant.  And yes I used the word diagnosed.  Here is another myth- infertility isn't a disease.  It's too bad that many people don't see it that way.  We were given the diagnosis that Matt had a low sperm count and low motility.  Suddenly our private, intimate moments became public knowledge to the doctors we began to see.  We were fortunate enough to have insurance coverage on our first year of treatment with IUI's and numerous meds.  We even switched insurances so that we could pursue IVF with 3 rounds being covered.  It's a shame that most insurances do not see infertility as a medical diagnosis.  Trust me, we did not and would never choose this route in our journey to start our family.

We haven't shared much of our infertility journey with many people.  Our parents and siblings, some friends and some new friends met through an infertility support group are the only ones aware of what we have and will be going through.  Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to share our struggles in a more public way.  I admire those that are strong enough to do so.  I don't want that "advice" from people anymore.  I don't want to be continually asked questions about our treatment.  I don't want pity.  What I truly want to is start my family and for people to understand exactly what infertility is. 

ABC's of infertility

I saw this on another blog...

A. Age when you started TTC: me 26

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C. Children wanted: Originally 2 or 3...now I'd be happy with 1

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: 1 dog, Lucky- she is a Westie

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatal Vitamin

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:  Clomid, Femara, Ovidrel, Bravelle, Lupron, Estridal

G. Gain: Too much- trying to loose some now

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Done in February 2010

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "Just get drunk and it'll happen" or "Just stop trying and it'll happen"

J. Job title: Teacher

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Connor Richard for a boy- both of our father's are named Richard

L. Length of time TTC: 2.5

M. Miscarriages: none

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: One switch of RE so that we could get insurance coverage for 3 IVF cycles

O. Ovarian quality: No issues

P. POAS or wait for AF: Wait- I don't even by them anymore

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "It's hard being pregnant.  Be happy you don't have to do this."

T. Time you tried naturally: 1 year

U. Uterus quality: No issues- had a polyp removed a few weeks ago

V. Vagina: Fine

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: A few Christmas books, one sleeper

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Both sets of parents and siblings, some close friends

Y. Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Yes although I skipped last year

Z. Zits: Better when I'm off the meds

From http://ivf-fiv.blogspot.com/

The Empty Easter Egg

Each Easter, when I was younger, my parents would hide those plastic eggs with little candies and one lucky egg even had $5 in it.  It was great!  Easter morning was filled with fun and excitement as my sister and I looked for these eggs. 

Going through infertility is like how it would feel to find an empty egg.  Everyone around you seems to find the eggs full of life.  They have started their families or are pregnant.  They are full of joy as they announce their pregnancies, show off ultrasound pics, share belly pics and eventually share baby pics.  They found the eggs with the best candy and that money.  These individuals are so excited to share what they found in their Easter egg.

I'm one of the many who unfortunately find the empty egg.  I keep trying, month after month, to find that lucky egg that will make everything OK.  But it keeps coming up empty.  I don't even get a single jellybean(which I don't even like).  I suffer quietly through disappointment as another month is unsuccessful.  I work up the courage to try again and open another Easter egg only to find the same results. 

I know I am on my own path and journey to motherhood.  I'm not finding my Easter egg in the easy spots.  Mine is hidden somewhere more challenging.  I have to believe that my egg is in a special place and someday soon my Easter egg won't be empty either.

IComLeavWe: April 2011

I saw this idea of ICLW on another blog I follow and thought it was a great idea.  So here I am sharing about me with others and learning about their life and struggles in the process.

Matt and I started TTC 2.5 years ago and never thought we would be where we are today.  We did the usual year of trying on our own with no luck before Matt got a semen analysis done.  It turned out we were dealing with MFI with a low count and low motility.  We were referred to a specialist in January 2010 and spent that year going through 9 IUIs, 4 with injectables.  Still no luck.  Towards the end of the year we made the decision to pursue IVF.  We switched insurance companies and changed to a RE's office a little over an hour away so that we could get coverage for 3 attempts.  We were set to get going with IVF (retrieval would have been next week) and everything looked good until I repeated a saline sonohysterogram.  I had a small, pea-sized polyp growing in my uterus.  With that came the postponement of our IVF and surgery on April 8th to have it removed.  Everything went well and my post-op is next week on Thursday.  I'm hoping that we can get back on track and continue into the world of IVF soon.

This ride of infertility has been a roller coaster in our life.  We try to stay optimistic but it is hard at times.  I use my blog to vent my frustrations and let out what I'm feeling.  I'm lucky to have such a wonderful husband who lets me be moody and sad when I need to.  I've also found great comfort in a group of women from my original clinic in a support group.  We've shared our ups and downs with each other and I am so unbelievably grateful for them.

Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.
-- Les Brown

The past few weeks

Nothing really new to report over the past few weeks since the surgery.  I'm feeling great physically.  Emotionally I am ready to stop all the waiting and get moving with things.  My post-op is on the 28th so hopefully we will start getting a schedule set for our first IVF. 

Surgery

Yesterday I had my surgery to remove the polyp.  We had to be at the hospital at 6:15 am.  We were in the waiting room for a little while before I went back to get changed and hooked up to IVs.  I was there for a bit and met with a nurse, Dr. H, and the anesthesiologists.  At about 7:20 I said goodbye to Matt and headed back to the OR.  I was doing OK with everything until I got in there and had to lay down.  I remember being given some meds to help me calm down and seeing Dr. H walk in.  After that I am at a loss.  I woke up in another room and in pain...maybe around 8:40.  I was freezing cold and tearing up a little bit.  The docs gave me some pain meds and I was in and out of it for a bit.  I believe that I was in that post-op room for about an hour (according to Matt).  Then he was able to join me in another room.  We were there for about an hour and I got released at around 10:30.  We got home at around noon.  I slept and took it easy most of the day.  I'm not allowed to workout for the next week and have to be careful about lifting heavy things.  I feel better today but still crampy.  I return to the office on April 28th for the post-op.  I'm glad that this is over and we can move forward again with IVF soon enough.

Pre-Op

I had my pre-op yesterday for my surgery next Friday.  It's pretty straight forward.  My polyp is about the size of a pea.  I should be out for about an hour it sounds like.  We, as of now, have it scheduled for 7:30 am so we'll have to get to the hospital by 6:30.  I'll be in recovery for a couple hours and then sent home.  I just want to get it over with.