Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Kiss my @ss infertility

Today was tough on the infertility front.  It was back to school time from spring break.  The 3 pregnant teachers (2 due in June, 1 in August) seemed to explode with belly in the week away from school.  My co-teacher's wife is due on the 30th and it's all I hear about.  Wonderful.  I'm not normally a jealous person.  Infertility has brought that trait out in me and I hate it.  I hate their enormous bellies.  I hate when they complain about being pregnant and about being fat because of it.  I can't stand looking at them or seeing them pet their belly.  It's ridiculous.  I hate that I am jealous.  To top it off, I drove down my neighborhood street to find "It's a boy" crap all over a house.  I seriously wanted to let my dog, Lucky, go pop and destroy the blue bottle balloon.  That's horrible, right? 

I don't know why I'm so bitter right now.  Most people have no idea what we're going through.  A friend recently "came out" on facebook about her infertility struggles.  It sounds liberating but I don't want the judgement that might come with it.   Although she seems to be getting a positive response and support- which sounds wonderful on the other side of it all.  I think Matt would think that I've lost my mind if I "came out" about our infertility battle. 

Over the last few days I've gotten rid of anything to do with out previous IUI cycles.  It felt great to rid myself of those constant reminders.  Here is a pic of all the shots from 4 injectable cycles.  To some that might not seem like many shots.  But each shot, each injection came with pain.  Not just the physical pain of the needle.  Emotional pain from 4 IUIs with the shots as well as 2 years of trying to get pregnant.  I had to get rid of that pain in order to move forward.  It seems silly but I feel like letting go of those parts of our infertility journey better prepares me for the IVF part of our journey.  That part will always be with me but it's time to move on.


  1. Lora, I will not be able to came out on Facebook too, as I too don't want any judgment not do I have courage to do that.

    It's funny that on Sunday I got the nerve and threw out all the paperwork that I had for my first IVF. It did feel liberating :) The only thing I kept was a print out of my u/s during ET showing the spark that could have been my baby, just can't throw it out just yet.

  2. It took me 6 fresh IVFs to have my daughter. I was a pack-rat and kept every hospital bracelet, bootie, paperwork, sonos, calendar with levels,etc. I still have it all and at this point am glad since I can look back at it like the war medals they turned out to be in the end. Just a different perspective. We all need to do whatever we need to do to get thru today though. Good luck. Tracey ICLW #156

  3. Hi Lora,
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I feel the same way as you do! It's an awful feeling isn't it? I hate it too but it's so impossibly hard. Today I saw three pregnant women walking around the hospital grounds and it made me feel upset. Here I am going to get blood work and there they are already about to pop. There are 2 teachers at school who are expecting. I was sickly amazed at how much their bellies grew in a week. Hugs! I will follow your journey. Your dog is adorable btw!