2010

I've never really seen the big deal in celebrating the new year.  However I will be happy to see this year end. 

2010 will not be missed at all in my mind.  Although there was some good days, it will be mostly be remembered as my year of fertility treatments and failures with it.  I know it is depressing to say that but it's the truth.  Those are the defining moments of this year.  Meds, ultrasounds, injections, IUIs, hope, let downs all describe this past year.  I am ready to put those moments behind me and hopefully start new in 2011. 

3 Years

Happy Anniversary to my husband, Matt!!

Three years ago we were married at St. Gregory the Great Church in Williamsville and celebrated our reception at Sean Patrick's Restaurant.  I can honestly say that the day was perfect and amazing in every way.  It was great to celebrate with such wonderful friends and family.  We spent the next week on our honeymoon in Walt Disney World in Florida.   I love him more and more each day.  I am a lucky girl to have found such an amazing man.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!!

Christmastime

The holidays are tough when dealing with infertility.  It has now been 3 Christmases since we started trying to get pregnant.  That became completely obvious last night when I was at my parents' house for dinner and tree decorating.  Each year my mom and dad get a Christmas ornament for myself, my sister and our families.  Her family includes her husband and her 2 kids.  Mine is my wonderful husband who I adore.  But it was very depressing seeing all her ornaments for her kids and nothing new for Matt and I.  My dog Lucky has been the big thing for me to get ornaments for the past 2 years.  It made me extremely sad to realize this.  The realization that my sister has also had 9 months of a pregnancy and almost a one year old son in the time we've been trying also hurts too.  I just need to try and stay strong through the holidays.

My furry friend

A local radio station is doing a campaign for our local SPCA.  The DJ asked listeners to think just what their pet means to them.  It got me thinking about my little Lucky.

I fell in love with Lucky at first sight.  It was January 2005 and I had moved to Las Vegas to pursue my teaching career that past summer after graduating college.  I was living by myself and pretty much on my own.  One evening I went to one of the local malls and stopped into the pet shop.  There was a little tiny Westie there.  She was born November 9, 2004 and just ready to go home.  I had to pick her up and hold her.  Once she snuggled up with me, I knew that she had chosen me to go home with.

Lucky is the most loving dog I know.  She is playful and fun.  She can make you laugh and make a rough day so much better.  She can sense when something is wrong and just sit with your to make things better.  I am grateful for having her in my life.  She is a part of our family and will be for the rest of our lives.

Dealing with infertility

Infertility is a challenge in itself.  It is emotionally and physically draining.  Each month you go through various stages of a waiting game.  You wait for your period to come and go.  You take meds, get ultrasounds and wait to ovulate.  You wait for your IUI.  You wait two weeks to see if it was successful or not.  Then you repeat the cycle again.  If it is a negative (which is all I've ever had), it's as if a loved one died.  You feel empty and hopeless.  You cry and wonder why this is all happening.  You look for support but it is hard to find. 

People who haven't struggled with infertility don't get it.  They say things that they think are comforting but it isn't.  I don't want to hear that I need to take a break from trying and then it will work because that happened for someone they knew.  I don't want to hear complaining because it took you a few months to get pregnant (sometimes pregnant again).  It's now been 2 years for me.  I don't really want to gawk and stare at your countless ultrasounds or pregnancy photos (I wish they didn't always show up on Facebook).  Please don't tell me that I am lucky to not have morning sickness or 3 am feedsings.  I would die to have that. 

Infertility is a medical issue.  I didn't choose to have it.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

The Break

So CD 1 would have been Wednesday, December 1.  It still is that date.  But there are no drugs involved in things right now.  It's actually kind of nice to not have to obsess about going to the doctor's office, calling the directions phone number and doing shots each night.  Nothing controls my time- just me.  I picked up a book called "The A.R.T. of Making Babies" which is all about IVF.  The least I could do is spend this time learning about what might be happening in the future.

It's Christmas time!

Our Christmas lights on the house...and the first snow fall


Christmas Tree

SNOW DAY

SNOW DAY!!  Probably the 2 best words I could have heard this morning!!

2 years

Two years ago Matt and I decided to take the leap and started our journey in adding a little one to our family (other than our little dog, Lucky, of course).  Two years.  In that time we have gone through so much.  A year on our own.  Numerous tests and doctor's appointments.  Five IUI's with femara/ovidrel.  Four IUI's with bravelle injections.  Many friends getting pregnant and having their babies- some even pregnant again.  Too many broken hearts to even count anymore.  We are done with IUI's now.  We are going to take some time away from the meds and try to figure things out.  Maybe we'll have a miracle in that time.  If not, we are hoping to pursue IVF. 

When we started this journey 2 years ago, neither of us ever expected how hard it would be.  Infertility wasn't in my vocabulary or my brain.  Now it consumes my thoughts and life.  Despite all the heartbreak, I think our marriage has become stronger.  Not all couples could survive this I think.  I eats away at you.  It gives you a roller coaster of emotions from the disappointment of a negative to the optimism following an IUI. 

I hope one day we'll be able to look back at this journey (with our child) and know that it was all worth it.

10 year reunion

This past weekend I had my 10 year high school reunion.  It is crazy to imagine that 10 years ago I was still in high school.  Since then I spent 4 years in college at SUNY Geneseo, lived and taught in Las Vegas for 4 years, got married and moved back to Buffalo 2 years ago.  We have also been trying to get pregnant now for 2 years.  The reunion was one of those subtle reminders of our infertility.  It was tough hearing about former classmates' children or pregnancy.  It was also hard to put on the happy act.  I so wanted it to be Matt and I with a baby or at least a baby on the way.  If only this infertility journey wasn't so difficult.

I get by with a little help from my friends

My RE office has a support group that meets once a month to help deal with infertility.  It began back in June- tonight we had our 6th meeting.  Over these 6 months these women and couples have become a huge support network to me.  Never would I have imagined that these strangers and their stories would become such a part of my life.  It's comforting to know that I am not alone in what I feel and think about our struggles with infertility.  These women and couples will probably never know exactly how helpful they have been- but I am thankful for their support.

Next Steps...

It's been a while since my last post so I figured it would be time to update things.  We just had our 9th and final IUI yesterday morning (4th round of injectables).  We are cautiously optimistic.  I had 3-4 good follicles so things looked good on my end.  In even better news, Matt had a count of 44 million with 21 million motile!!!  That is normal and the best we've EVER had!!  It was a HUGE shock to see that!!  Maybe there is hope that it will work out!! 

We've started looking into where to go next.  If this doesn't work, we are taking some time off and getting some money saved to pursue IVF.  We met with Dr. C ho does the IVF procedures at our RE office.  He was great!  The good news is that it might not be as expensive as we originally thought.  We might also be able to get 50% coverage if we switch insurances during open enrollment this month.  I feel better knowing that there is a plan for us.

26 million

We had our 8th IUI (3rd with injections) yesterday, October 24.  There were 3 good looking follicles- so 3 potential little ones.  Even better news was that Matt's count was up to 26 million- the highest we have ever seen!  The nurse said that his swimmers were swimming well!!  We will take any little victory and good news at this point.  The magic blood work date is 11/9- Lucky's birthday!  We'll keep hoping and praying that this is our month.

3rd round of injections

Well round 2 of injections was not successful.  I was on progesterone so my period didn't come like normal.  Instead, I went for the blood test (I had taken a home test the night before) and got the official negative.  AF started 10/10/10 and I started back to the Bravelle last night with the dexamethasone. 

Go Sabres!

Hockey season is back!!  We went to the Sabres pre-season game Saturday night vs. Toronto!  We sat front row behind the goal- seriously amazing!!  Ryan Miller (above) was so close!  A 3-1 victory made the night even better  I am so glad the Sabres are back!

IUI

We just finished up another cycle with our IUI this past Friday (9/24).  The count was still low-8 million but at least 75% we motile.  I had a bunch of follicles this time around.  Wednesday night my RE called and wanted me to come in right away.  I was switched from ovidrel for the trigger shot to something called lupron.  Lupron lets the mature follicles go but knocks out any smaller follicles so I wouldn't go into over stimulation.  This reduces the chances of multiples.  Because of the different shot, I'm now on 2 meds for the next couple weeks or more if this cycle is a success.  I am so hoping that this is it.  The stress is unbearable sometimes and I don't know what we would do if this doesn't work out sometime soon.

A little extra luck

Last Saturday (9/18), Matt and I made the drive up to Niagara Falls, Ontario (about 40 minutes from our house).  I had heard on our local news station that the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum had ancient fertility statues on display.  Rumor had it that 2000 women had become pregnant after rubbing the statues.  After almost 2 years of trying to get pregnant, we figured we could use any extra bit of luck!  We are right in the middle of our 2nd round of injections- hopefully this will be our lucky month!

I'm sorry but...

Hormones are a crazy thing that takes over your thoughts and emotions.  I started my bravelle shots again last Sunday.  Evil Lora has returned.  I seem to lose it on my poor Matt for no reason, especially when I am tired.  That can't help things!  I flipped out on him this week because of so many irrelevant things and feel awful about it.  Then I know I sound crazy and like a horrible person and feel guilty, which makes me feel even worse.  I say sorry but know (and hopefully he knows) that it is the hormones taking over and not me.

Needles

There was a point in my life where I absoluetely HATED needles.  Somehow, while battling through infertilty, they haven't become so bad.  Being poked for bloodwork or for injections is no longer scary.  Today alone I had bloodwork, a flu shot and will be having my hormone injections tonight.  Is is wrong that it has become normal? 

Long weekend=Perfect timing

I think that if anyone reading this was a teacher, they would agree that Labor Day is a wonderful thing if you have already started up the school year.  I've been with my new group of 6th graders since August 23rd.  Just enough time has passed where I know all of the kids names and we have established some what of a routine. The true personalities have also began to emerge from some as well.  This long weekend is a PERFECT break right now.

We plan on going to the Buffalo Chicken Wing Festival this afternoon.  If you are a Buffalonian, it is a must to attend at some point.  Tomorrow will be spent celebrating my niece Maicy's 3rd birthday.  All in all it sounds like good weekend with a perfect break from work.

"That Girl"

I think I have officially become "that girl."  "That girl" means that I am now the one who people are afraid to tell that they are pregnant because they don't want to upset me.  Example 1:  A close friend from college (we pledged our sorority together) found out she was pregnant.  She emailed me on facebook privately to tell me the news long before it came out on facebook.  She wanted me to hear it from her and not from some random post.  She's due in January with a little girl.  Example 2:  My grade level partner's wife is pregnant with baby 2.  Two weeks ago when we first started back at school he said that they were having difficulties with trying.  I would have kept believing that until he told me today that they were expecting.  She is due in April- meaning he probably knew before we came back to school but he didn't want to say anything to get me upset. 

I am not as happy as I used to be when I found out someone was expecting.  I can't be.  It is impossible to enjoy and be happy about something that has become such a struggle for me.  I feel jealous, angry, bitter and sorry for feeling those 3 emotions all at the same time.  I would never wish the journey that Matt and I are taking on anyone but it doesn't make it any easier to hear the joys that other couples are having.

Infertility video

I wanted to share this video as it expresses what can be so difficult to say about trying to conceive and infertility.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Our TTC journey...so far

When Matt and I decided that we wanted to try and conceive a child, we didn't think much of it or how complicated it could be.  This was back in December of 2008.  I was told that because I was only 26 we should have no problems trying to conceive and to visit my OB if a year had passed and we weren't pregnant.  For some reason I was feelng that something wasn't right.  It seemed like after a few months of trying we should have been pregnant and that everyone around us was pregnant.  We tried every old wives tale and approach we could find- ovulation tests, vitamins and herbs, sitting with a pillow under me for a while after sex.  I was even taking my temperature every morning to use with charting.  Still months had passed and we weren't pregnant.

Finally in September of 2009 I decided to see my OB after noticing that I was spotting before my period.  She ordered bloodwork as well as a hydrosonogram and biopsy.  Luckily everything looked normal on the tests except for low progesterone. So in November 2009 I began my first round of clomid.  We were told at that time to have Matt get a sperm sample checked out as well.  When he got his first sample analyzed, something wasn't right.  Matt called me and said the numbers were very low and he had to repeat it.  So he repeated it again- same problem.  At this point it was close to the holidays.  My OB said that if this round of clomid was unsuccessful, we should see a fertility specialist. 

After our third failed round of clomid, we began treatment with our current doctor, Dr. S.  This began in January 2010.  Of course with a new doctor came new tests.  I had a HSG and another biopsy as well as a ton more blood work.  The HSG and biopsy were quite painful but it was worth it if it resulted in a baby.  After all the tests, we began our new directions for TTC- femara with an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  Basically an IUI is where they take Matt's sperm and "turkey baste" me with it.  Life became quite abnormal at that point.  I would take meds for 5 days, as well as a steroid, and have internal ultrasounds to know when I was close to ovulating.  These ultrasounds were incredibly uncomfortable at first but have since become normal.  Once I was told ovulation was near, we would have our IUI and wait. 

The waiting game is one of the hardest parts of TTC.  It became harder each time to get my period.  We still weren't pregnant and Matt's count was still and issue.  We visited a urologist and found nothing physically wrong with him- thank God.  He was then prescribed clomid which he is still taking at this time.  We eventually added in an Ovidrel shot in the Spring of 2010 to help with timing even more.

Finally in July 2010 we were called back in to meet with Dr. S to discuss options because we still weren't pregnant.  He suggested we start using injections.  So in mid-July we began our first cycle with shots using a med called Bravelle along with the Ovidrel.  An injection cycle isn't a normal cycle.  It involves much more time and much more emotions then I ever thought.  But it would be worth it to be pregnant.  It started  on day 3.  That was my first ultrasound and first blood work of the cycle.  After that you wait to hear your injection directions and give yourself the shot at night.  Every few days you go in for blood work and ultrasounds. Within a week I had blood drawn 5 times, 4 ultrasounds and 7 shots.  It was like being pin cushion.  I had bruises on both arms and on my belly (from the shots).  Finally we had our IUI and I was super hopeful.  Until the spotting started 10 days later.  I knew it was a fail.  All of the time, energy and emotions resulted in nothing.  I was completely crushed and cried for a day.  How could this be so difficult for us when it is not a problem at all for others to get pregnant???

It is now almost September 2010- 21 months into this journey.  We are currently taking a month off from TTC.  In a couple weeks it will all start over again- hopefully with different results.  I've been going to a support group offered by my doctor's office for 3 months to try and help me deal with this journey.  I take the words spoken to us to heart each day- Matt and I will have our family in some way and in some time.